Take your fucking leave.
Don’t wait for permission.
Don’t wait for your workload to lighten.
Don’t wait for your body to revolt.
Why Take Leave?
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While I healed, I had time and space to reflect on all the ways working in tech had impacted my life.
I had benefits that workers in other industries could only wish for — gym subsidies, therapy, paid maternity leave — which made my life materially better in so many ways.It brought financial stability that I had only dreamed of in the past; nothing says you’ve “made it” as an adult quite like putting all your bills on autopay.
I learned a ton about business, accountability, budgeting, operations, management, HR, people, technical tools, and spreadsheets. It sometimes felt like I got a crash-course MBA during my time at Facebook. I was lucky to work with a lot of really smart, caring people, and grateful to have space in my life for that reflection.
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Working in tech harmed me in real ways. As a creative person, my greatest strengths were not valued, despite people paying lip service to “thinking outside the box.” Let me assure you, the boxiest solution is the one that wins in corporate America. The parts of my job that brought me energy -- brainstorming, connecting with my team, starting new projects -- were not as valued as the parts that were formulaic and impersonal.
It became increasingly difficult to find meaning in the work I was doing; my own strengths were less applicable to the work I was doing as I joined larger, more “scaled” environments. The expectations of conformity, doing as I was told, playing by someone else’s rules, and having little to no autonomy over the kinds of projects I got to work on, were awful for my mental health.
Over time, I came to dread work. I would lay awake at night, replaying interactions in my head trying to analyze when and how I had gotten something wrong, or worrying about what I would be faced with the next morning when I got to work. Would it be a toxic director berating one of my direct reports for not creating a contingency plan for every possible outcome on a new, vague project we were all working overtime on? A team member struggling with a personal issue who desperately needed time off, but knew that being away would mean burdening their already-overworked teammates with their slack? Or maybe just straight fear that an offhanded comment from a manager meant I wasn’t doing well and would be met with a dreaded “performance conversation.”
I lost sleep. I felt a constant, crushing sense of dread and fear, and had to hide all of that away once I got to my job. I was expected to be a tuned-in, on-top-of-it manager, building team morale and showing people how it was TOTALLY possible to “enjoy” your job, “achieve” your goals, and still have “work life balance”. HA! I would have laughed if I hadn’t been crying so much.
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At work, I was constantly told how “resilient” I was -- for figuring out team structures that allowed us to absorb more and more work, for being willing to focus on some of the most challenging subjects that were sensitive in nature and nebulous in scope, for shifting course quickly and “towing the line” as needed despite the thrashiness. But there’s no promotion for resilience. There’s no reward for continuing to acquiesce to the absolutely absurd demands these companies make of us.
So eventually, I left. I didn’t have a game plan -- I just desperately needed a break. I’d been working in tech for 10 years, 7 of which had me as a reluctant sole provider for my family in one of the highest cost-of-living areas in the USA. I’m unbelievably lucky to be able to afford a break, and I know not everyone can do what I’m doing.
That said — it’s not because I’m “set for life” — I was never high up enough to be rolling in it. At some point soon, I’ll need to work again. But right now I need to say a bunch of stuff about how fucked up working in tech was for me as a neurodivergent mom with a non-engineering background and a non-traditional career path.
So You’ve Decided to Take Your Fucking Leave! Now what?
Nearly half of all U.S. workers don’t take all their paid time off. Employees often express a strong desire for flexibility, such as paid leave or flexible schedules, but research shows that they are underutilizing them once they do have them. It’s time for that to stop — for your health, peace, family, and future.
Now, taking leave from a competitive tech job isn’t quick, simple, or without cost. But it is one of the best cards we can play in an industry that will otherwise drain its employees of everything we’ve got, using every last drop of our productivity, creativity and humanity until we’re not only burnt out, but have quite literally made ourselves sick.
You are here, ready to take leave, because you know that only you can protect yourself, and only you can use the benefits you’ve been given to your advantage. So here’s how to think through your next steps.
Stay in compliance
Once you decide to take leave, there are a number of things you need to do to make sure you stay compliant with your company’s policies.
First off, know your company’s policies. What are the circumstances under which you are entitled to receive paid leave? In California, Mental health leave falls under the “medical” category, which is covered by Short Term Disability. So you’ll want to find and read your company’s medical and Short Term Disability (STD) policies thoroughly. In other states, it’s likely different.
These days, most corporations outsource leave administration to third parties like Matrix, Met Life, and Lincoln Financial. You’ll need to closely follow the instructions these administrators gives you for applying for, receiving, and remaining compliant with paid leave.
Generally, the folks who work for these benefits administration companies are kind, helpful and knowledgeable. If you experience otherwise, escalate your issue within the third-party company until you encounter someone who’s willing to work collaboratively with you.
Connect with a care team you trust
Most importantly, make sure you have healthcare providers who know and support you. My primary care doctor was critical in approving my leave because she knew me and could tell that something was deeply wrong. I kept getting sick over and over alongside ever-mounting work stress, and was unable to get well for months on end. It was unsustainable and at times, unbearable.
If a primary care physician is not an option, a therapist or other mental health provider such as a psychiatrist can also sign off on the supporting documentation required for medical leave. It’s ideal to have established relationships with healthcare professionals before asking them to fill out your leave paperwork, so if you didn’t before, now you have a next step. Look for providers who you “click” with and who have experience working with patients who are neurodiverse, BIPOC, parents, or other historically excluded groups, if applicable to you.
Get your financials in order
Maybe you feel like you absolutely must be able to maintain your current lifestyle to take leave, and maybe you do. It can be daunting to think through all the expenses you might not be able to cover during leave, whether paid or unpaid. But maybe there are ways to cut back in order to take this massively important step for yourself, your health, and your future.
Enlist help from a friend, partner, financial advisor, or trusted family member to help you map out your budget, leave pay if applicable, and where you may be able to reduce your cost of living. Remember -- leave is temporary. When you get healthy again, you’ll get back to providing for yourself and your dependents much more readily than if you’re barely hanging on.
Being a part of the tech industry can skew our vision of what is a necessity — frequent meals out, well-meaning advice to “outsource everything”, and the high cost of living in Silicon Valley and other metro areas can lead us to, over time, feel like those are necessities. A hard look at needs versus wants, essentials versus luxuries, and temporary budget cutbacks can rebalance your perspective and your bottom line so that you can take leave and actually rest.
Expect it to slow — not stop — your career trajectory
So you were up for a promotion. Or you were trying to position yourself in a valuable and beneficial light ahead of a potential reorg. It’s true that you might need to sacrifice those opportunities right now in order to go on leave. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, and those sacrifices aren’t forever.
In the world we’re fighting for, leave may be a pause in your upward trajectory, but it shouldn’t ruin your career or be a permanent setback. On the contrary -- it’s an essential opportunity to examine your role in the context of the rest of your life, what you really want from your career, and the environment in which you’re spending the majority of your waking hours each day. Many find that their new perspective nudges them to another path altogether -- maybe another company with a better culture, or even a new role outside of tech.
Take the initiative to set yourself up for a successful, fulfilling leave
I want to emphasize this again: no one will do this for you. It is up to each of us to protect ourselves, body and mind, from harm. You deserve to be well, to feel cared for, to know and value yourself for the things that make you human - we all do.
Taking leave? Share your story to inspire others to do the same.
